Robbie Michaelson ~ To Turn a Phrase: Taking Candy From a Baby

Baby!

When something is really easy (like your mom! Ooooooooh!) there are many ways to describe its simplicity. Aside from immature expressions concerning how promiscuous your mother is, one phrase that is used is that something is so easy its like taking candy from a baby.

I have some problems with this expression. First of all, who gives their baby candy? Babies are fragile little creatures who need a variety of nutrients to stay alive. I don’t think giving a baby candy is the best thing for them at all. What kind of parent is this who decides to give their baby? Giving little Junior a snickers bar is the equivalent of giving an alcoholic a Smirnoff Ice. It may seem harmless and they may enjoy it at the time, but it will just lead to terrible things down the road.

Our country is fat enough as it is, why are all these parents giving their baby’s candy? Do they want them to get diabetes before they can even walk? They don’t even have teeth and they are probably going to rot out when they come in. Not to mention that they will probably grow up to be morbidly obese and spend their days eating chicken tenders while playing World of Warcraft. Is that what they want? To have a level 80 Paladin for a child? It is a slippery slope these candy-giving parents are putting their kids on with their willingness to give their little one these sugary treats.

What kind of candy are these babies getting anyway? M&Ms? Choking hazard my friend. A licorice whip? That is just training them to be into S&M. Jawbreakers? That is just cruel. May as well just give them a candy cigarette and prepare them for a life of ashtrays and lung cancer.

On a final note, I don’t think it is that easy to take candy from a baby. Trust me I have tested this theory and it is not an easy task to take a treat from these youngsters. I mean most parents never leave their little darling unattended, so if you take anything from their baby they are bound to notice. Now you have to deal with a fully-grown adult, not an easy task at all. Also there are a lot of dads out there who strap their babies to their chest when they walk around. Do you want to take candy from a baby attached to a fully-grown man? I think not.

In conclusion, it is NOT easy to take candy from a baby and they shouldn’t even have it anyway. If you really want to take candy from somebody, take it from a hippie. They are too lazy and high to do anything about it, so your in the clear. I know if I want to do something really easy, I’ll just head over to your mom’s house…(OOOOOOOH! Snap!)

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